American Action Fund for Blind Children and Adults
Future Reflections Convention 2020 NOPBC WORKSHOPS
Let's Socialize: Teaching Your Child Common Physical Movements
by Melissa Riccobono
From the Editor: In addition to being the First Lady of the National Federation of the Blind, Melissa Riccobono is a school guidance counselor, and she is the mother of three children, two of whom are blind. In this article, based on a workshop she conducted at the 2020 NFB National Convention, she draws upon her experience as a mother, a mentor, and a blind woman.
Growing up as a blind child, I didn't pick up visual communication automatically the way sighted children do. Fortunately I wasn't afraid to ask questions, and I learned some of the basics at an early age. Even then, though, my understanding could be a little bit off, and the people around me needed to set me straight.
For instance, I had to learn the nuances of nodding and shaking my head. When I wanted to say yes, I would nod my head really hard, so it was more like "YESSS!!!!!" Eventually someone explained, "People don't usually nod so hard. Just nod lightly up and down. And you only need to do it a couple of times." It was the same with shaking my head no. I would shake my head very hard from side to side and side to side again. Finally somebody said, "That's not the way most people do it. Just shake your head a little bit."
It's very important for blind children and teens to understand the gestures that are part of our nonverbal language. When I was in fourth grade a friend said, "Do thumbs up." I said, "What do you mean?" I'd heard the term, but I had no idea how to do the thumbs up gesture, so my friend showed me how.
Then there are things that are a little bit naughty. I'm not suggesting that you encourage your children to give anyone the middle finger! But they definitely should know that, in our society, that finger is equated with something not very nice. When they're old enough you should show them how the gesture is usually done so they won't do it accidentally. You don't want them to do it, but you want them to have that frame of reference.
The importance of frame of reference really came home to me when I was serving on jury duty. The judge told everyone to raise their right hand. I had heard that expression for years, but I never thought to ask how it's done. I assumed it didn't mean I should raise my hand up over my head as though I were answering a question in school. I couldn't ask the person next to me, "Excuse me, how do I raise my right hand?" People expect everyone to know. If you're not sure, you look around and see what everyone else is doing, and you copy that movement.
Another gesture I've never gotten very good at is waving. I tend to use my whole hand, but I've been told you just use your wrist.
These are all gestures that people use every day without thinking about it. While you're using them, please keep your blind child in mind. As your children grow older, they need to be able to use those gestures so they don't feel uncomfortable, especially if they don't have a good friend to ask.
When I was in seventh and eighth grade, we started to have school dances. I knew how to dance fast, but I really didn't know how people slow dance. I asked a friend of mine, "What do people do?" She showed me how people put a hand on the waist or a hand on the shoulder, and how they might giggle and put their heads down a little bit. She was very descriptive. I was very, very lucky to have her in my life to teach me! By the time I was in seventh or eighth grade I didn't want to ask my mom or dad. I didn't want to have to ask any adult!
It's very important for your children to have as many adults and friends and blind mentors in their lives as possible. It really does take a village to raise a child. I never understood this so well until I had three children of my own! Right now they're thirteen, ten, and eight years old. For the most part they still come to me when they have a question. But I know that at some point I won't be the person they want to go to anymore. From the time they were very little, I've tried to surround them with as many really good people as I can find. If they don't want to come to me and ask something, I hope they can go to another adult. I might not always have the answers anyway.
As far as teaching gestures to children and explaining when they're used, the earlier you start, the better it is. As your children get older, they're not going to want to learn from you. They may have more and more experiences where they feel that everyone around them knows how to do something, and they feel left behind.
Preschool is a great place to begin. In preschool children learn a lot of dances and a lot of songs that use gestures and movements. Through those songs and dances you can work on building many skills. There's the Hokey Pokey:
You put your right arm in!
You put your right arm out!
You put your right arm in,
And you shake it all about!
Make sure your child knows how to do those movements. It's a terrific teaching opportunity. They're not just learning a dance. They're learning left and right and in and out. They're learning to follow directions, and they're having fun at the same time. If you teach the dance at home, then your children will be all set when they do it in class. They won't approach it with dread, feeling that they don't know what everybody else is doing.
Make sure you know which dances will be done in your child's preschool, whether the program is virtual or face-to-face. Work on them at home so your child has a leg up. If you don't have enough time, or if there are just too many new dances being introduced, a paraprofessional might be able to help. Maybe the IEP could incorporate movement and dance instruction by the child's teacher of blind students. Talk to the classroom teacher about giving verbal instructions. Good descriptive language benefits all of the children. "Now put your hands over your head and clap three times!" or "Get down on your hands and knees" are much better instructions than, "Now go like this."
If your child learns to do the dances ahead of time, he or she can be a leader in class. Other children can watch and learn to do the dance from your blind child, and that's really powerful! They can see that your child isn't all that different and actually has a lot to offer.
In addition to gestures and dance, make sure your child is comfortable with common exercises. Jumping, hopping on one foot, galloping, skipping, and running all are things they'll do in school. The earlier you teach them, the better it will be. When the teacher says, "Do five jumping-jacks," your child will be able to do those jumping-jacks along with every other kid in the group.
There's a lot to be said on this topic, and I've just gotten started. Now I'd like to hear your questions.
Ashley: I'm a youth coordinator for SAAVI Services for the Blind in Arizona, so I work with a lot of blind kids. I also have an eighteen-month-old daughter who is blind. I find that talking about gestures and dances sometimes makes children uncomfortable or embarrassed. This is especially true for the teenagers. They realize they don't know these things, and they get shy. Do you have any tips for opening the conversation?
Melissa: I think the best thing is to get the kids together and say, "We're all going to learn these dances." Don't ask, "Do you know how to do this dance?" You might say, "If you know how, you can show other people." If you have a couple of blind people who can explain to the teens how they do the dance, that's very helpful. Maybe you could have the teens learn the dances and teach them to the younger kids.
I also think it's important for you, as a sighted person, to let blind kids know that not everyone does these things perfectly. There's a whole range of abilities in dancing, as in everything else. As blind people we tend to feel that we're the only ones who are uncomfortable or limited. It's probably not the case, but we don't always have a good friend around who will tell us the truth.
Favia: I cannot overstate the importance of everything that is being discussed! It might seem that academic success is more important than social skills, and that social skills can be thought about later. But social skills and body language are important right now!
Melissa: I haven't talked very much about body language, and it's tremendously important. It is so, so important for your children to look at someone when they're talking to them. It's important for your children to learn to keep their heads up and keep their eyes open if they can. A girl needs to know not to sit with her legs spread apart if she's wearing a dress. These are all things sighted people take for granted, but since your children can't look around and see what other people are doing, they need to be taught. That's another reason why it's important to have other adults on board.
For a lot of kids personal space is a huge issue. I've often observed that blind children, especially young ones, want to be very close to me. They're trying to figure out where I am and what I'm doing. Teachers and other people in their lives tend to give them a pass. They think, she's blind, she doesn't know where I am, she needs to be close to me. It's okay for a three- or four-year-old to be close and to touch a lot, but it becomes more and more uncomfortable for others as the child gets older. Imagine you're talking to a sixteen-year-old, one of the opposite gender! Having a teen standing too close to you can be very uncomfortable very quickly.
It's important to teach your child to ask permission before touching others. If people are talking about my earrings and a child wants to touch them, they're welcome to touch them and find out what they're like, but I appreciate being asked first. Make sure the other adults in your child's life understand and reinforce the expectations about personal space.
Often our children touch and grab others because they themselves are touched and grabbed, pushed and pulled so much without permission. It is essential that you teach your young blind children that they can say no. They can learn to say it politely but firmly. Their bodies truly belong to them! Just because they're blind, it doesn't mean someone can march up and grab them and say, "Okay, we're going now!" Even as an adult, pre-COVID, I got touched and grabbed and patted or literally hand-held when I did not want any of that touching! It's incredibly important to teach kids when they're little that unwanted touch is not acceptable. When I was little I was told, "They mean well; they're just trying to help." I was not encouraged to establish my own boundaries. Our kids can learn to say, "No thank you. I can walk to the office by myself. I know where I'm going. I don't need help right now."
Serena: When I dance, I do it without my cane. But what do you do when you want to leave the dance floor and go back to your table?
Melissa: This is one time where a folding cane can come in handy. If you don't have a pocket, maybe your date has one. You even can hold a folding cane under your arm. Once in a while I have a table right by the dance floor. If I have friends at the table, they can call out to me.
Juliet: I know it's important for my son to look at people when they're speaking to him. He also has to look at people when he's speaking to them. We're still working on having him remember to close his blinds in the morning before he gets dressed. With his light perception he likes to keep the blinds open so he can see the sun rise and know when it's time to get up. But he has to close the blinds before he gets dressed!
Melissa: That's a very good point! You can't see other people, but they can see you. Of course, the downside is that kids can start to feel like people are constantly watching them. I still have to remind myself sometimes that everyone isn't watching me 24/7; I'm just not all that interesting! But often we are watched. Because we have a cane or a guide dog, we draw attention. Parents all over the universe are teaching their kids things like, "Don't pick your nose!" This isn't just unique to having a blind child, but it's really important for our blind kids to learn.
Annie: What about self-stimming behaviors like head-shaking or hand-flapping? How do you talk to your children about that?
Melissa: Again, the younger you can start those conversations, the better it is. It can help to figure out when the stim behaviors happen. Are they happening because the child is bored and looking for something else to do? If that's the case, try to get them involved with a toy or an activity. A stress ball or some other toy held in the hand may re-channel the need for stimming. Sometimes you and the child might agree upon a key word or signal as a reminder. Breathing exercises can help calm nervous energy.
Having other people on board really can help here. It doesn't matter how often you tell your child something, but it might just click when it comes from somebody else—a teacher they love, or a favorite aunt.
Favia: In a situation where there are multiple speakers, how do you know who to look at? And what do you do in a group where people are constantly moving around?
Melissa: That's a tough one! I think the best thing to do is to cue in on a person who's speaking and turn or lean in that direction. If someone is behind you, I think the best thing is to turn around and invite them to sit with you or come closer. It's probably uncomfortable for them to be behind you if you're involved in a group conversation, so you can invite them to join your table or circle.
If you have younger children, it can be important to talk to the teacher and the classmates and explain that if they're going to leave, please let the blind child know. There is nothing more embarrassing than talking to somebody who has left! Even well-intentioned people sometimes forget and walk away because they're thinking about something else. It's okay for the child to say the person's name if you're not sure they're still there, just to check and find out whether they have moved.
Treva: How do you deal with the loud music in a dance situation? It can be pretty overwhelming!
Melissa: Talk about thinking back to high school! I used to go with no cane all the time to places with friends, and I just assumed my friends would be there to help me out. I didn't want to look different, standing there with a cane. I figured I'd leave the cane at home, and then I wouldn't look weird. It would be all well and good till my friends saw other friends across the room and walked away. They weren't trying to be mean; they just wanted to see their other friends. I had no idea where they were, and the music was so loud I couldn't get my bearings. I'm sure I looked much weirder, walking with my hand in front of me, than I would have looked if I had my cane and could move with confidence.
Talk to your teens about how they'll need their cane in a loud place. They're going to need every source of information they can get. If a teenager really doesn't want to go to that loud dance, maybe they can have a party at the house, where they can control the volume. After that they might be more comfortable with the idea of going somewhere with louder music.
As far as showing up at a club by myself, I can't imagine doing it! That's just me. If I'm going with other people, I want to have a conversation beforehand. We might agree on a meeting place. We might use our cell phones if I can hear texts with earbuds. Find out if you can take a friend's arm so you don't get separated. Making plans ahead of time can be very helpful.
Thank you all for attending this session, and thanks for your great questions. Please feel free to contact me. My email is [email protected], and my cell is 443-803-0266.